Knoxville Metropolitan Barbies

QueenOfTheFlock · Post by **QueenOfTheFlock** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 9:23 pm

Mattel announces limited-edition Barbie dolls for the Knoxville metropolitan market:

Sequoyah Hills Barbie
This princess Barbie is only sold at Knox Plaza. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign lap-dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter dream house with a water feature in front.
Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic ex-husband Ken comes with a Porsche.

Halls Barbie
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar mini-van and matching gym suit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately. Can swear in English, Spanish, Chinese, Korean or Vietnamese, but she's not sure which is which. Available at Target.

Lonsdale Barbie
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, bowie knife, a '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be bought with cash, preferably small bills, unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

Farragut Barbie
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card set, and country club membership. Also available are Shallow Ken and Spanish-speaking Nanny. Farragut Barbie hasn't been affordable since the early 80's.

Andersonville Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a classic Metallica shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. Wants to major in NASCAR at Roane State College. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Available at Oak Ridge Mall.

Maynardville Barbie
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Andersonville Barbie's (discontinued) house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss, and a see-through halter top. Comes with Barbie's dream double wide trailer. Available at Wal-Mart. Cheap.

Karns Barbie
This collagen-injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears leopard print spandex and drinks cosmopolitans to new age music with friends at the lodge. Into crystals. Comes with Percocet prescription and botox. Also cheap.

Five Points Barbie
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a G. E. D. and bus pass to Walters State College. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant doll. Comes with hand pistol and having Ken's pants sagging will be a little extra Barbie can come with braids or extentions for free..also extra weave available

Fountain City Barbie
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow." She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Decatur Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker free.

Holston Hills Barbie
Pregnant at purchase, Holston Hills Barbie drives a new Ford Excursion and is perfect in every way. We don't know who Ken is because he's always away hunting or in Japan on business. Holston Hills Barbie aspires to become Farragut Barbie. Not cheap, but still very naive.

Bearden Barbie
Into football, animals and bonfires. 98% belong to a cult, 2% are freethinking and void of any "traditions." Does nothing but complain about Farragut Barbie/Ken.

Morristown Barbie
This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three babies in the back, without car seats. This is the only Barbie willing to do manual labor. Ken comes in a meat-packer's uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not yet available for Morristown Barbie or Ken. Available only at Value City.

Sevierville Barbie/Ken
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the "snap-on" parts. Likes to "experiment." Doesn't understand why Morristown Barbie complains so much.

iblis · Post by **iblis** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 9:39 pm

You have way, way, way too much spare time.

If you came up with that, that is.

:roofle:

QueenOfTheFlock · Post by **QueenOfTheFlock** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 9:46 pm

I didn't come up with it...got it in a forward at work and just found it amusing. Heh. I'm disappointed there isn't a Maryville Barbie.

iblis · Post by **iblis** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 10:22 pm

QueenOfTheFlock wrote:I didn't come up with it...got it in a forward at work and just found it amusing. Heh. I'm disappointed there isn't a Maryville Barbie.

Make one up and add to it. :mrgreen:

I would, but I don't think I've ever been to Maryville.

ms.tangledwebs · Post by **ms.tangledwebs** » Thu Sep 23, 2004 1:45 am

QueenOfTheFlock wrote:I didn't come up with it...got it in a forward at work and just found it amusing. Heh. I'm disappointed there isn't a Maryville Barbie.

I was thinking the same thing.

Lost Traveler · Post by **Lost Traveler** » Thu Sep 23, 2004 11:30 am

dont get the bearden on but :lol:

Vachy · Post by **Vachy** » Sat Sep 25, 2004 9:41 pm

Fountain City Barbie
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow." She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Decatur Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker free.

Oh man...That describes me exactly. (Except that I do have Ken doll, which I do need and am quite fond of.