This was cute...

Mother Mo · Post by **Mother Mo** » Sat Jul 10, 2004 3:18 am

Stolen from another site to either make you laugh or cry, your call.

Your Horoscope For Today
by Al Yankovic

Aquarius
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day

Pisces
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say

Aries
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep

Taurus
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep

Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest

Cancer
The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test

Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik

Virgo
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled on a stick

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forcasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to reaize that every single one of the is absolutely true.

Where was I?

Libra
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week

Scorpio
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window
Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak

Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den

Capricorn
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again

Codeine Coma · Post by **Codeine Coma** » Sat Jul 10, 2004 5:55 am

I had a idea about doing phony/funny horoscopes once. As usual I didn't do it. Funny though....Does he redo it every year? Month? Day?

Mother Mo · Post by **Mother Mo** » Sat Jul 10, 2004 3:43 pm

No clue. I stole it from that occult site that stayed up all night reading.

http://www.occultforums.com/index.php?

I think it was Nexxus who linked it to Buttercup's blog, where I found it.

PrincessLuvie · Post by **PrincessLuvie** » Wed Jul 21, 2004 3:23 pm

I love Weird Al! He's a god...

Those are actually lyrics from his song "Your Horoscope for Today" of his album, Running With Scissors.

I'm a cancer, btw. :lol:

shadow dancer · Post by **shadow dancer** » Wed Jul 21, 2004 5:32 pm

Mother Mo wrote:
Taurus
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep

Too funny. *giggle*

TheInfiniteMonkey · Post by **TheInfiniteMonkey** » Wed Jul 21, 2004 8:14 pm

Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik

I disagree on the first part, but I could sure go for some Strawberry Quik!

Mercurygriffin · Post by **Mercurygriffin** » Wed Jul 21, 2004 10:19 pm

PrincessLuvie wrote:I love Weird Al! He's a god...

Those are actually lyrics from his song "Your Horoscope for Today" of his album, Running With Scissors.

I'm a cancer, btw.

Nice to meet another cancer who has the W.A.Y syndrome.

Nigredo · Post by **Nigredo** » Wed Jul 21, 2004 10:21 pm

Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik

I'll get to it first thing tomorrow. :lol:

This was cute...

This was cute...

Re: This was cute...

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