really bad jokes

Mercurygriffin · Post by **Mercurygriffin** » Mon Nov 08, 2004 2:29 am

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.
He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

TheInfiniteMonkey · Post by **TheInfiniteMonkey** » Mon Nov 08, 2004 4:16 am

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment.
He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the
difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll show
you the difference. Go ask your mother if she would sleep
with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your
sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure
out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if
someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with
Robert Redford?"

His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile
on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I
would."

Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if
someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad
Pitt?"

His sister looks up and says, "Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've
figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million
bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores."

LordHades · Post by **LordHades** » Mon Nov 08, 2004 6:41 am

Said a salty old skipper of Wales,
"Number One, It's all right to chew nails.
It impresses the crew.
It impresses me too.
But stop shitting holes in the sails."

LordHades · Post by **LordHades** » Mon Nov 08, 2004 6:50 am

Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother. 'Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and gettin all out of breath. His other hand must of been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake. Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

LordHades · Post by **LordHades** » Mon Nov 08, 2004 6:52 am

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confessed to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, she got fired too."

LordHades · Post by **LordHades** » Mon Nov 08, 2004 6:55 am

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night." She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing. "That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself. Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it. The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises. "Well Mom," she replied, "you always said if it hurt, I should scream." "You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. "Now why were you laughing?" she asked. "You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered. "True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days. "Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?" "Mom, don't you remember? You always told me to never talk with my mouth full."

LordHades · Post by **LordHades** » Mon Nov 08, 2004 6:58 am

And one final limerick for this morning.. These are pretty much all thanks to my old freenet mail account and the type of spam that was going around in 94..

Said a luscious young lady called Wade,
On a beach with her charms all displayed:
'It's so hot in the sun
Perhaps rape would be fun,
At least that would give me some shade.

LordHades · Post by **LordHades** » Mon Nov 08, 2004 7:05 am

Ok, so I have no resistance to posting.. le sigh..

There was a fly flying 6 inches above a lake.

A fish in the lake thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches I'd get it!"

A bear on land thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches, the fish would jump out of the water, and I'd get it!"

A hunter thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear will go to get the fish, and I'll shoot the bear"

A mouse thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, and I'll steal the cheese off his sandwich!"

A cat thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, the mouse will go get the cheese, and I'll get that mouse!"

Suddenly it all happened, the fly dropped 6 inches, the fish got the fly, the bear got the fish, the hunter got the bear, the mouse got the hunter's cheese, but the cat missed the mouse and fell in the water. The moral of this story is ...

"Every time time a fly drops 6 inches, a pussy gets wet"

LordHades · Post by **LordHades** » Mon Nov 08, 2004 7:28 am

One day Superman is really horny and sees Wonder Woman sunbathing on a beach naked! He gets an idea... "They've always said I'm faster than a speeding bullet and I've always wondered what she'd be like with all her powers. So he zooms down and does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice. All of a sudden WonderWoman sits up and says, "What the was that!?!". Then the Invisible Man gets off her and replies, "I don't know but it hurt like hell!"

LordHades · Post by **LordHades** » Mon Nov 08, 2004 8:22 am

There were three guy sitting and telling each other the best way they like to have sex. The first guy said, I like to do it sixty-nine. The second guy, said I like to do it doggy-style. The third guy said, well I like to do it bronco style. The to other guys were like what, what the fuck is bronco style. The third guy says, let me tell you what bronco style is, you start out doing it doggy-style then in the middle of doing it you lean down and whisper in her ear; "Your sister likes it this way too", then try and hold on for eight seconds.

Scorptrio · Post by **Scorptrio** » Mon Nov 08, 2004 11:14 am

Q: How do you spell "omniscience" ?

A: What, do I look like I know everything?!

TheInfiniteMonkey · Post by **TheInfiniteMonkey** » Mon Nov 08, 2004 1:40 pm

A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always
wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the
newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes
across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on
it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint
condition. He inquires about it with the owner.

"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me
how you keep it in such good shape.

"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure
that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub
Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In
fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of
Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the
buyer a tube of Vaseline.

The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He
takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic
(being a Harley fan).

That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his
girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going
to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When
the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her
boyfriend's arm.

"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my
parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do
the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the
living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family
room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs,
dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take
advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his
girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over
and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still
they keep quiet.

So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and
they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says
a word.

"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his
girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the
dinner table. Again, total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend
realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take
care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his
pocket.

Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all
right! I'll do the damn dishes."

Mercurygriffin · Post by **Mercurygriffin** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 3:24 pm

On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer....for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

uncle goth · Post by **uncle goth** » Sun Nov 14, 2004 8:21 pm

jesus walks into the inn hands the innkeeper three nails and says can you put me up for the night?

Russo · Post by **Russo** » Sun Nov 14, 2004 8:24 pm

What's the difference between Elvis and Michael Jackson?

One is the King of Rock and the other fucks little boys in the ass.

Mercurygriffin · Post by **Mercurygriffin** » Sun Nov 14, 2004 10:59 pm

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.
She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."
She's not there 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars."
He says, "All I got is thirty".
She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?"
"A hand job".
She runs back and tells the guy all the gets for thirty is a hand job.
He agrees.
She gets in the car.
He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE penis.
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."
She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

Scorptrio · Post by **Scorptrio** » Mon Nov 15, 2004 2:58 am

Griffin,

After that last joke, I don't know whether to love you or hate you....

Mercury,

eh, i know i hate you

or have I got that backwards?

Mercurygriffin · Post by **Mercurygriffin** » Mon Nov 15, 2004 4:04 am

You can't hate me. I'm the only one who tells you the truth with no sugar coating and can tolirate you at the same time. and on that note:

A blonde is applying for a clerical job.
During the interview, the boss asks how fast she can type.
The blonde says that she never learned how to type.
"So, you're a 'hunt'n'pecker'?", the boss asks.
"Oh, no sir," replies the blonde, "I already have a boyfriend!".
:twisted:

LordHades · Post by **LordHades** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 10:47 am

Six Again

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to the local theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie to see the latest blockbuster, a hot-dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"You idiot, I meant my dress size!"
The moral of the story:

Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

B_Ko · Post by **B_Ko** » Thu Nov 25, 2004 1:19 pm

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Boy, it's getting hot in here, huh?" The second muffin replies, "Aaaagh! A talking muffin!"

really bad jokes

Overheard at IHOP...

jesus joke

two friends for the price of one