Secrets of the Universe

Jack · Post by **Jack** » Sat May 17, 2003 11:19 am

I know everything there is to know about everything.

Fire away.

interf4ce · Post by **interf4ce** » Sat May 17, 2003 11:28 am

what is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

The Fallen · Post by **The Fallen** » Sat May 17, 2003 12:25 pm

why humans?

realgonepaleface · Post by **realgonepaleface** » Sat May 17, 2003 12:36 pm

how come the sky is blue?

Jack · Post by **Jack** » Sat May 17, 2003 3:25 pm

1. That's a trick question - swallows are never unLaden. Every damn one of the suckers is an Al-Qaeda agent in disguise; an unLaden swallow is a dead swallow, as they say in Turkmenistan.

2. Humans don't exist. Jehovah-1 replaced all life with machinery five centuries ago. The so-called "industrial revolution" was just another hoax and we all fell for it. Even I fell for it! I believe in the steam engine, even though I don't believe in anything. Logical incosistency is the Mr. Bubble I bathe in each and every evening.

3. The sky is blue because God ran out of green when he got stoned one morning and rather went overboard on the plants. Yellow is Right Out as well, since then you wouldn't be able to tell where the sun was. Red would simply be too freaky.

murdering0rion · Post by **murdering0rion** » Sat May 17, 2003 4:13 pm

What's the prettiest thing you've ever seen?

candicide · Post by **candicide** » Sat May 17, 2003 4:16 pm

Where does outerspace end? It's sort of hard to imagine...

Jack · Post by **Jack** » Sat May 17, 2003 4:40 pm

1. The prettiest thing I've ever seen has to be the old run-down factory on Sutherland, after the intersection with Concord.

2. Nothing is more natural than nothing. At the edge of all the "stuff" of the Universe, there's just an infinite amount of absolutely nothing. If anyone ever gets bored enoughto explore it, well... maybe they'll find a Kinko's and a StarBucks out there.

Celestial Dung · Post by **Celestial Dung** » Sun May 18, 2003 12:41 am

Oh great knoweldge base
Show me truth to my face
Answer my question three
once the diggety so mote it be

1. What was the last dream of Shakesphere?

2. What was Poe doing during the last week of his life?

3. Which Goddess is mad at me?

Jack · Post by **Jack** » Sun May 18, 2003 2:01 am

1. Shakespeare never existed; his plays were written by others, and the actual person "William Shakespeare" was a common bum who was lifted off the streets and paid good money to put in public appearances. Much like George W. Bush in that regard. I mean, come on - "William Shakespeare" has to be the most obvious pen name since Buck Texwell.

2. Poe's last week was spent writing a movie adaptation of "The Cask of Amontillado" starring Keanu Reeves and Sir Anthony Hopkins. In this version, the two stars were to be an unlikely pairing of a rookie cop with a grizzled veteran on the eve of retirement, and the "Cask of Amontillado" was a suitcase full of cocaine which Christopher Walken's character was attempting to smuggle over the Franco-Spanish border.

3. Eris is mad at you for wasting all your chaotic energy on the dance floor.

Nemesis · Post by **Nemesis** » Sun May 18, 2003 3:58 am

Why...?

Saint Ignatious · Post by **Saint Ignatious** » Sun May 18, 2003 4:19 am

interf4ce wrote:what is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

African or European?

Seraph Antaine · Post by **Seraph Antaine** » Sun May 18, 2003 8:54 am

Why do good girls like bad boys?
Why do young guys like crazy chicks?
Why does Wendy's Frosty come with a straw and not a shovel?

Jack · Post by **Jack** » Sun May 18, 2003 11:28 am

1. If I may wax serious for a moment: good girls like "bad boys" because what most people call a "bad boy" is just a guy with confidence, ability, and a straightforward personality, who plays guitar or smokes cigarettes or rides a motorcycle and "doesn't play by society's rules". There is an huge difference between "bad boys" and "evil boys". Most "bad boys" are actually quite nice to girls; but sometimes it is very hard to tell a "bad boy" from an "evil boy". Unfortunately, all too often a girl will like a boy who is "bad ass" without realizing that he's a "bad asshole".

2. There are two sorts of young guys who like crazy chicks. Some young guys like messy, quirky, shy chicks who are only crazy insomuch as they usually don't know what they want or how to get it in a relationship and end up causing great pain by being unable to decide whether they want to stay with the boy or not. Some young guys are insecure and somewhat geekish and gravitate toward "sexy evil babes" because a woman who takes charge allows them the comfort of not taking charge themself.

3. The Wendy's Frosty is best enjoyed half-melted, like a soup; a straw is utterly pointless, since it will never be melted enough for the straw to be useful unless it has been rendered room temperature.

Celestial Dung · Post by **Celestial Dung** » Sun May 18, 2003 11:42 am

Wasn't Eris the goddess of untheatrical drama?

She can stay mad at me.

Jack · Post by **Jack** » Sun May 18, 2003 12:01 pm

Eris aka Discord is the goddess of chaos, change, and interesting stuff.

The famous story is that Eris saw three drama queen goddesses at a party, so she made an apple that said "KALLISTI" meaning "for the prettiest one" and lobbed it, grenade-like, amongst them. This caused much bickering.

Seraph Antaine · Post by **Seraph Antaine** » Sun May 18, 2003 12:32 pm

Jack wrote:1. If I may wax serious for a moment: good girls like "bad boys" because what most people call a "bad boy" is just a guy with confidence, ability, and a straightforward personality, who plays guitar or smokes cigarettes or rides a motorcycle and "doesn't play by society's rules". There is an huge difference between "bad boys" and "evil boys". Most "bad boys" are actually quite nice to girls; but sometimes it is very hard to tell a "bad boy" from an "evil boy". Unfortunately, all too often a girl will like a boy who is "bad ass" without realizing that he's a "bad asshole".

2. There are two sorts of young guys who like crazy chicks. Some young guys like messy, quirky, shy chicks who are only crazy insomuch as they usually don't know what they want or how to get it in a relationship and end up causing great pain by being unable to decide whether they want to stay with the boy or not. Some young guys are insecure and somewhat geekish and gravitate toward "sexy evil babes" because a woman who takes charge allows them the comfort of not taking charge themself.

3. The Wendy's Frosty is best enjoyed half-melted, like a soup; a straw is utterly pointless, since it will never be melted enough for the straw to be useful unless it has been rendered room temperature.

Gee, thanks alot, Dr. Jack!

Jack · Post by **Jack** » Sun May 18, 2003 1:07 pm

Seraph Antaine wrote:Gee, thanks alot, Dr. Jack!

Now see here, you can invite a rattlesnake into your house, but don't be surprised when he won't do your dishes, OK?

I mean, a dead squirrel ain't gonna write your term paper.

No matter how many buckets of water you have, you'll never get a rooster to lay eggs.

(Kidding aside, I actually kinda like Dr. Phil. He's so no-nonsense it's kinda silly, but that's better than being so nonsensical it's ludicrous.

)

doctorthoss · Post by **doctorthoss** » Sun May 18, 2003 6:48 pm

Okay, let's take the Pepsi challenge here:

1. What is the ontological status of a Plato's ideal forms?
2. What does the existence of Antonin Scalia tell us about the state of the universe?
3. In Superstring theory, how many dimensions does a string weave through?
4. What's the best kind of tip for a harried 40-something waitress who reeks of gin and has just managed to dump an entire bottle of ketchup onto your date's miniskirt at Waffle House?
5. How many Cthulhus will fit on the head of a pin?
6. If a Republican falls in the forest and no one's around to hear it, does it make a sound? (a) What would Schrodinger say? (b) What would George Will say?
7. How long, precisely, can your average male resist climax while being vigorously fellated by two redheads in a parked minivan (specifically, a '94 Dodge Caravan)?
8. Why did the Fates choose to inflict us with a "Daredevil" movie?
9. Why hasn't Rod Serling been annointed King of Knoxville, if only for a day?
10. What's the absolute WORST thing you can say to a police officer after he pulls you over for weaving, striking four parked cars and then vomiting PGA on his windshield as he turned on his blue lights behind you?

Jack · Post by **Jack** » Sun May 18, 2003 8:04 pm

1. Plato essentially wrote The Matrix thousands of years ahead of time. It's called "The Allegory of the Cave". Same thing said later by tons of other sects and cults and kooks; "All is dream" is a popular way of putting it. The Church of Christ, Scientist believe essentially the same thing. Plato just didn't have the balls to suggest that reality is not only illusionary but mutable by personal willpower (which is kinda what Nietzsche was saying, too, I suppose).

2. Judges are no longer selected for wisdom; I don't blame the cashier at McDonald's because their coffee sucks.

3. If you already know the answer, why are you asking me the question?

4. You have to look into her eyes and determine if she's ragged because she's had a hard life workin' in a coal mine but has a heart of gold if only some balding, slightly pudgy yet utterly kind truck-driver would just take her away from all the pain, or if she's a bitter old bitch who has received bad cards in life because of manifestly selfish and shrewd behavior. Rate her on a scale of -5 to 5, -5 being "heart of battery acid" and 5 being "heart of gold", and add that number to whatever you were going to tip her anyway.

5. I'm not about to ask him.

6. Are you talking about those "Log Cabin Republicans" I keep hearing about? They're a myth, you know. Robots.

7. That depends entirely on what the two redheads look like. If they're Ronald McDonald and Carrot Top, I should think he could hold out indefinitely.

8. Daredevil is nothing; wait until DC sells the rights to Matter-Eater Lad. Here's a hint: his sidekick will be Bat-Mite.

9. The King of Knoxville is that one crazy guy who walks around the Strip all the time, with the wild hair and determined look on his face.

10. "Officer, I'm gonna reach under my seat now, but it's only to pick up the joint I dropped, so it doesn't start a fire."