Oil Change Instructions (funny)

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Oil Change Instructions (funny)

Postby Bone » Sun Aug 10, 2003 7:12 pm

Instructions for Changing Oil

Oil Change instructions / Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 30 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly
maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
Pride of a job well done: Priceless.

Oil Change instructions / Men:

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
2. Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00,
drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in
process. Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw
kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes.
17. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid
environmental penalties.
18. Drink a beer.
19. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door
opener work.
20. Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change". Drag
pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in
hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.
21. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 16.
22. Drink a beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
23. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
24. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.
25. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
26. Remember drain plug from step 11.
27. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
28. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard
along with drain plug.
29. Drink beer.
30. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug.
31. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties.
32. Wash drain plug in lawn mower gas.
33. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty
litter on oil spill.
34. Drink beer.
35. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes.
36. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.
37. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang
knuckles on frame.
38. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 35.
39. Begin cussing fit.
40. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
41. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August in
the staples.
42. Mo' Beer.
43. Clean up hands and forehead, and bandage as required to stop
blood flow.
44. Beer.
45. Beer.
46. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
47. Beer.
48. Lower car from jack stands.
49. Accidentally crush remainder of case of new motor oil.
50. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
above steps.
51. Beer.
52. Test drive car.
53. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
54. Car gets impounded.
55. Call loving wife, make bail.
56. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI fine $2,500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1,500.00
Beer $40.25
Total -- $4,615.25

But at least you know the job was done right!
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Postby junkie christ » Sun Aug 10, 2003 8:18 pm

thats fucking great.......
Drinking makes you the same asshole your father was.
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Postby Nemesis » Sun Aug 10, 2003 9:00 pm

Very informative....:rofl:
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Postby Seraph Antaine » Sun Aug 10, 2003 10:43 pm

LOL. That's funny. I forgot where I read that. Maybe HotRod Magazine? I will generally have my oil changed at Beaty Chevrolet. They also check and fill trans, brake, and wiper fluids, and rotate and inflate tires to correct pressure, then run my car through their awesome carwash. All this costs me a total of $19.00, less than the cost of 6qt of oil and a filter. Having a good friend who is the service manager at the Chevy dealership: priceless.
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Postby pryjmaty » Mon Aug 11, 2003 7:44 am

Hmmmmm.....believe I'll stick with Jiffy Lube......or my Blankie :wink:
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Postby creapyrob » Mon Aug 11, 2003 6:15 pm

I also read it before and I think it was in HotRod or Street Rodder, hell maybe both.
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